I once got really sick from eating all the PEZ out of a dispenser I found on the ground. It turned out to be a mouse who died from eating tablets of rat poison.

One thing I've learned is that everybody loves to suck dick. And by 'everybody' I mean 'my wife'. And by 'suck dick' I mean 'not suck dick'.

Whenever I see a dead animal at the side of the road, I make myself feel better by imagining that he deserved it because he was married with kids, but was crossing the road to fuck his buddy's wife. You hear that Jerry! He deserved it. He fucking deserved it!

I think it's a bad idea to make a sucker in the shape of a gun barrel, because, what flavour do you make it?

I may not be a smart guy, but I don't know where I was going with this.

"Wow! You have an app on your phone that takes distorted pics of your head. That's hilarious!"

- Sarcastic Elephant Man

If a squirrel was going to take a chance on something he wouldn't say "I'm going to go out on a limb here..." because squirrel's can't talk.

In a 'nice guy' competition, who finishes first?

I really wish I was skiing right now, opposed to the current uncontrolled rolling.